So after watching the return of The Hills last night, the most outstanding conclusion I've come to is this: all of their lives suck!!! Those girls may get their share of celebrity VIP treatment, but their lives are actually pretty damn boring.

All of Lauren's attempts to "let loose" - like riding on the back of that Parisian guy Matthias' moped - are obviously intended more for the cameras than her own enjoyment. The girl was too self-conscious to even hug him goodbye, let alone a goodnight kiss.

Spencer is such a loner that he can't stand a few days without Heidi, who is knee deep in her "I just need space" theatrics. And don't even get me started on playmate wannabe Audrina, who can't resist the adolescent urge to tattle on Brody to her friend overseas, rather than letting Lauren enjoy a few peaceful days in Paris before returning home to that reality. Whitney Port is the only character who seems at all well-rounded, and even she kinda sucks.

I'm not sure I can make it through another episode of this crap!

Oh, in other Hills news, here is Heidi's latest crappy single. A "ballad." Check it out:

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And by "stuff", I mean posing nude and trying out for Playboy.

Fresh out of high school, the Hills hussy was so desperate for money success attention that she traded in her bikinis for a little naughty schoolgirl modeling, and now her naivete is biting her in the a*s. Audrina's publicist said on her behalf today:

"I took these photos years ago when I was just out of high school and beginning to model. I was young and very trusting of others and I didn't know to protect myself. It is a lesson learned, for myself, and hopefully for the young girls who look up to me."

Too bad Playboy turned her away - they they could have been really cashing in right now! Click here to see the rest of the pics...

Who's side are you on?

Today I heard Heidi Montag's and Spencer Pratt's second radio interview in 48 hours - an interview which was used predominantly to bash the couple's former Hills co-star Lauren Conrad.

On the Ryan Seacrest show this morning, Spencer and Heidi said they were "shocked" and outraged by Lauren Conrad's recent 6-page interview in a recent issue of Us Magazine. Lauren's interview is one of few scenarios in which the reality star has opened up, and she definitely does spill some nasty gossip - but the backlash from Heidi and Spencer seems a bit over the top.

Spencer Pratt quickly responded to the publication with a seething rant on his website which starts off with "for all you haters" and takes some pretty sever jabs at LC, calling her "boyfriend stealer", "desperate loser" and "pathetic wannabe fashion designer." He also attacks Lauren's love life, confirming the existence of a sex tape and claiming that three of LC's previous boyfriends call her "beef curtains."

More childish name-calling was doled out during Spencer's interview with Ryan Seacrest this morning, in which he stated that he has no remorse for his blog: "that was just one page, if I had written 6 then we would be even." For her part, Heidi had little to say about her former BFF other than to point the blame at Lauren for making her choose between Spencer and her friend. "It's very sad in a way how everything happened but, you know, it is what it is and I'm not the one who chose this, you know, it was her," said Heidi.

To most of us who have ever watched even 15 minutes of The Hills, what is really sad is that Heidi is too dimwitted to see what Lauren did see - that Spencer was threatened by Lauren's skepticism of his womanizing ways and prompted Spencer to manipulate the two girls against each other.

It should speak volumes that the LC vs. Heidi feud has split more favorably toward the LC team. Hills co-stars Whitney Port and Audrina Patridge have shown such loyalty to Lauren that Heidi had to arrange a separate photoshoot for the third season premiere. And now Brody Jenner has joined the LC bandwagon, effectively breaking off his ten-year friendship with Spencer and joining the anti-Spencer ranks, along with Joel Madden and Nicole Richie. Last month Joel Madden was so infuriated by inflammatory comments Spencer had made about Nicole's weight that he was ready to throw down in the middle of the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Not that Spencer or Heidi are likely to mind that sort of media attention. Although Heidi fiercely denies that she has been focusing her career on anything but her music recording, much of her behavior would suggest otherwise. Both she and Spencer have set off "attention whore" alarms by groping each other publicly and crashing events where they knew LC was present. And why wouldn't the couple try to generate publicity for themselves? After all, Lauren was the show's epicenter for two whole season's of Laguna Beach before Heidi entered the picture merely as Lauren's college roommate. And Spencer Pratt, who only managed to appear on the show after manipulating his way into Heidi's life, has used the show to launch multiple careers which include managing Heidi Montag and his reality co-star Brody Jenner, who also appeared on The Hills as one of LC's aforementioned exes.

Season 3 of The Hills airs next Monday, August 13th, and it should be interesting to see how it all goes down. Is Spencer really as much of an asshole as he seems? Is Lauren really as sweet as she acts on-camera? Is Heidi really that dumb? The show may be scripted, but for what it's worth, this feud seems pretty real. Let's see just how juicy it will get!